Kindle editionAvailable
For the 10:47 p.m. parent email, the meeting that could have been an email, and everything missing from your contract.
Buy on AmazonA SERIES BY RYAN GAY
You thought it.
You rephrased it.
We wrote it down.
For everyone who’s ever swallowed the first response.
Workplace humor for the gap between what you want
to say and what you actually can.
Contains adult language. Starred out. Mostly.
25 PROFESSIONSTWO ANSWERSONE VERY NECESSARY FILTER
STRAIGHT FROM THE BOOKS
A few thoughts best left unsaid.
BOOK EXCERPTNO. 060
A Pizza Party Instead of a Raise
Teacher Appreciation Week arrives. So does the pizza.
WHAT YOU WANT TO SAY
“I can’t pay my d*mn mortgage with pepperoni. I tried. The bank was not amused.”
BOOK EXCERPTNO. 081
“Can We Get a Dashboard?”
A manager wants a live dashboard for a dataset that has three numbers and updates once a year.
WHAT YOU WANT TO SAY
“Three numbers, updated annually. That’s not a dashboard. That’s a sticky note with delusions of grandeur.”
THE WORDS WERE CHOSEN SERIES
There’s an edition
with your name on it.
Same inner monologue.
Different name badge.
Find your people below.
Kindle editionIn preparation
Doorknob confessions. Insurance hold music. And everyone asking if you’re analyzing them.
Buy on AmazonKindle editionAvailable
For everyone who has been asked for “a quick map” at 4:45 on a Friday.
Buy on AmazonKindle editionIn preparation
Campers, check-splitters, finger-snappers, and everyone who knows the owner.
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100 Funny Scripts for Cashiers Dealing with Coupon Warriors, Receiptless Returns, and Everyone Who Wants Your Manager
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100 Funny Scripts for Shoebox Clients, April 14th Walk-Ins, and Everyone with Just a Quick Tax Question
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100 Funny Scripts for Quick Favors, Calendar Tetris, the Office Fridge, and Carnations Instead of a Raise
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100 Funny, Real-Life Scripts for Nurses Dealing with Call Lights, Ten-Out-of-Ten Pain, Visitors Who Are “Also Nurses,” and the Pizza Party Instead of a Raise
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100 Funny Scripts for Password Resets, Printer Rage, and Everyone Who Swears They Already Restarted It
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100 Funny Scripts for Angry Callers, Hold Music, and Everyone Who’s Been a Customer for Twenty Years
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100 Funny, Real-Life Scripts for Lowball Offers, Sellers Who Won’t Leave, and Everyone Whose App Says the House Is Worth More
REALTOR® is a registered collective membership mark of the National Association of REALTORS®, which is not affiliated with and has not endorsed this book.
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100 Funny, Real-Life Scripts for “Thank You for Your Service,” the VA Hold Line, and Coworkers Who Think On Time Means On Time
Not affiliated with or endorsed by the Department of Defense, the Department of Veterans Affairs or any branch of the U.S. military.
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100 Funny, Real-Life Scripts for DIY Wiring, Mystery Breakers, and Clients Who Watched One Video
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100 Funny, Real-Life Scripts for “Flushable” Wipes, Grease Down the Drain, and Midnight Emergencies
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100 Funny, Real-Life Scripts for Mystery Noises, Warning Lights, and Customers Who Brought Their Own Parts
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100 Funny, Real-Life Scripts for Filtered Inspo Photos, Box-Dye Disasters, and “Just a Trim”
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100 Funny, Real-Life Scripts for Clients Who Didn’t Read It, Opposing Counsel, and “Quick Legal Questions”
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100 Funny, Real-Life Scripts for Office Drama, Open Enrollment, and Managers Who Want to “Just Fire Them”
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100 Funny, Real-Life Scripts for “I Floss Every Day,” Gag Reflexes, and Patients Who Talk Mid-Cleaning
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100 Funny, Real-Life Scripts for “He’s Never Bitten Anyone,” Internet Diagnoses, and Cats Who Fight Back
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100 Funny, Real-Life Scripts for “Small” Changes, Friday Deploys, and Bugs That Only Happen in Production
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100 Funny, Real-Life Scripts for Four-Wheelers, Six-Hour Dock Waits, and Shippers Who Close at 2:00
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100 Funny, Real-Life Scripts for 9 a.m. Check-Ins, Free Upgrade Requests, and Guests Who Lost Their Key Again
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100 Funny, Real-Life Scripts for Overhead Bin Battles, Seatbelt Signs, and the Call Button Pressed Twice
Not affiliated with or endorsed by any airline.
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100 Funny, Real-Life Scripts for Internet Diagnoses, Fifteen-Minute Visits, and “One More Thing” at the Door
THE READERS HAVE THE FLOOR
They read it.
Here’s what they think.
Reader reviews from across
the Words Were Chosen series.
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THE NEXT WORD COULD BE YOURS
Read one? Tell us what you think.
Published reader reviews will appear here. Choose your edition to leave yours.
Find your edition ↗ONE MOMENT. TWO VERY DIFFERENT ANSWERS.
The first draft
stays in your head.
Every situation puts the honest thought next to the reply you can actually use. Then it explains why the second one works.
Read the top half on your break.
Use the bottom half at work.
Humor and general communication suggestions. Always follow your profession’s rules and workplace policies.
TEACHER EDITIONTHE ALL-CAPS EMAIL
A parent’s email arrives entirely in capital letters.
WHAT YOU WANT TO SAY
“I can hear you. Everyone in the building can hear you. My inbox has tinnitus. Turn off caps lock and calm the f*ck down.”
WHAT TO SAY INSTEAD
“I can tell you’re frustrated, and I want to help sort this out. Could we talk by phone or in person this week? Let me know what times work for you.”
TEACHER EDITION · P. 12
YOUR TURN
Got one worse
than these?
The break-room story. The email you didn’t send.
The moment that deserves its own page.
Your story could inspire a future volume.
Change the details.Protect the people.Keep the good part.